I’m having an affair and I think you should too!

I’m having an affair. I know this may surprise a lot of you but honestly, I’ve felt it coming on for a while now. I’ve known this person my whole life- although at times they’ve felt like a complete stranger. And yet here I am, writing a blog post about the greatest love story I’ve ever experienced. And the biggest bombshell of all- it’s not my husband.

To give some context to this relationship, it’s not always been a healthy one. Some might even call this relationship toxic. And I hate to say that I have hurt this person more than any other person I know- I’ve said things that I wish I could take back- things that I would never even think about another person let alone say out loud to their face! I’ve called them ugly, stupid, worthless, I’ve told them that they don’t deserve to be loved. I’ve held this person as they cried and instead of whispering works of love and encouragement I used their vulnerability against them, an opportunity to remind them that they are not enough. I was both the abuser and the abused.

Right now, you all are probably thinking “What kind of person says things like that?” I was young and broken- I didn’t know that there could be another way. None of this makes me proud, in fact, it is a source of deepest regret and shame.

This relationship has been so broken that I wasn’t sure I how I was ever going to make it whole again, or honestly, if I ever could. And yet here we sit, with open arms ready to repair the damage done and to try again because that’s what you do when you love someone.

Don’t get me wrong, there have been amazing times of contentment and partnership where I can clearly see all their gifts and beauty and it was magical- maybe that’s what keeps pulling us back together! Because when it’s good, it’s so good. It’s like nothing else I’ve ever experienced.

These last few years we’ve been closer than we have been in years! And our relationship has changed so much- there have been lots of difficult conversations and tears. I’ve had to take a deep look at myself and examine the kind of person I want to be and the kind of relationship I wanted with this person. And it was hard and at times ugly, but I also knew it was worth fighting for, worth risking it all for.

So here I am, ready to publicly declare that I am ready to spend the rest of my life letting this person know all the things I love and cherish most about them. They are my soulmate- the love of my life! I want our love story to be one for the ages- one others look at and say “THAT! That is the kind of love I want!” It’s the kind of love I want for every person on the planet, the kind of love I want and work for with my children, and with my clients because the truth is until you experience this kind of love, your love for all others will be diminished.

So, who is this incredible person I’ve had the pleasure of falling in love with- It’s me. Yes- you read that correctly- I am having a love affair with myself! And it is magical, scary and it’s about fucking time!   Who else is ready for true love?

Dear Scale, we’re breaking  up…it’s not me, it’s you.

My scale broke, and I have no intention of replacing it. As someone who has spent her whole life trying to lose weight, to take up less space, to just be less and always feeling not good enough because of my weight, I developed a relationship with the scale at a young age. Don’t get me wrong, the scale can be a useful tool, but I have found that for many, myself included, the scale that’s supposed to measure our weight, more often gets used as a scale to measure our self-worth.

I know I’m not alone in those feelings or in the power I’ve given to the number the scale reveals…like shaking a magic 8 ball and waiting for it to decide your fate…. the number that appeared on the scale had the power to make me immediately dislike myself, to vow to “be better” and either way, “good” number or “bad”, it justified my negative self-talk, the need to be so hard on myself, to restrict or consume.  In a world that is constantly bombarding us with all the ways we need to “fix” ourselves, it’s hard not to feel inadequate.  And to be honest…. it’s fucking exhausting.

I am so done with the self-loathing, and the energy it takes. We consume food- food should not consume us. This journey towards self-acceptance and unconditional self-love started with an internal belief that health and healing and all the good bits of life can only come from being big.

This concept of loving ourselves into better health is what ultimately drove me to enroll in the Nutritional Therapy Practitioner program through the NTA. I knew there was a better way to healing than what was being offered to me.

“Just eat nothing and work out ALL the time!” “Take this supplement, I saw it on Dr. OZ” “You should put up pictures of the body you want all around the house and look at it anytime you eat, so you’re shamed into not eating.” Seriously?? Is this the best we can do? Is this the best advice we have for women?

I refuse to buy into the notion that our only gift to this world is maintaining smallness- to be small in size, to be small in the passion and energy we bring to the world, to be small with our opinions, to not be too loud or opinionated, to not be the funniest person in the room, to not be the most successful person in the room, to always dim down our light to not make others feel bad.  To shrink down with insecurities and self-doubt instead of stepping into the full power given to me by my maker (be that God, the universe, source energy- all are welcome to the table)

Well, how’s that been working for you? Do any of those thoughts or ideas make you feel better about yourself? No! But I bet they do make you feel small.

Let’s be BIG!  I choose to spend my energy being more…more loving, more generous, more empathetic, more centered, more present, more successful, more knowledgeable.  I can be stronger, more flexible, healthier, all of these actions add to my life and are about empowerment and growth; to me, they are worth doing the work. I am ready to take up the full energetic space that I deserve…and I encourage you to join me. Let’s be more, together.